Check in with me as I begin this new, exciting, really open and honest journey about being a 20-something in this world! I’m opening up about depression and self-doubt here. xo, Ada
While it might seem like everyone goes through these periods every so often in their lives, I truly hope this isn’t a normal occurrence for people as it is for me. (TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide. Skip to asterisk if you wish to not read.) As a child and young teen I would very often hope that if I committed suicide, I could take with me all the pain everyone else in the world felt. Growing up in a very Protestant, Pentecostal home I had wondered why Jesus had only taken away our sins and not our pains. Since he’d left the pain behind I would dream about not being a new Jesus, but instead I would actually pray to God and ask him to let me take everyone else’s pain so I could die with it and nobody else in the world would ever have to hurt as much as I did.
*A lot has changed since I was a depressed child, unknowingly I probably taught myself how to be extremely empathetic and sensitive to other people’s pain. But now I’ve had to teach myself how to toughen up a bit and so I don’t always feel as connected to everyone anymore. I still cry with my friends when they’re going through some tough things, not the “That’s horrible. You’re making me feel horrible for you. I’m crying because this is just so sad.” kind of crying, rather I cry when they’re hurting. I genuinely hurt alongside them and I feel as dumbfounded as they do as to what to do about it but I try to help them navigate things at the same time as they do even though I feel like it’s not my pain to feel so I try to remain objective.
Still. All of that makes me feel incredibly inadequate when I try to do things that I think are cool or interesting on my own. I feel like anybody else could do a better job and I should just quit and I internalize all these fake-voices telling me I suck and make myself feel really shitty about doing things in a mediocre way when I think I could do better.
So while I get this blog up and I get a schedule going, please remember to be kind to yourselves and someone new.
The world is only as lovely as we make it.
Please feel free to drop me a line in the comments below!
Do you ever feel this way or know someone who does who could use a little bit of cheer? Send them a kind message just to let them know they’re on your mind and that they matter to you!